


Nightfall

by sg_wonderland



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode: s07e17-18 Heroes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 16:18:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15465306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sg_wonderland/pseuds/sg_wonderland
Summary: The death of a friend causes Sam to take a hard look at herself.





	Nightfall

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone who has read anything I’ve written probably knows I am not a Jack/Sam fan. I think the whole ‘waiting for Jack’ thing is responsible for a lot of what’s wrong with Sam’s character. I just happen to think it’s demeaning for a smart, capable, attractive woman to wait for years for a man to make some kind of a move.
> 
> I label this Jack/Daniel even though that relationship is only implied and never substantiated.

I don’t know why it should take anyone as allegedly smart as I am to get the damned point. It’s only taken me, what, six, seven years to figure this out? Should have known I’d be way behind Daniel on this learning curve too. After all, he waltzed in here and took the Stargate right out from under my nose. And did so in a humiliatingly short two weeks time.

I should have known from the start, that first trip through the gate. The colonel wasn’t fooling anyone with the way he pointedly ignored his assigned target, Dr. Daniel Jackson. Brushed by him like he wasn’t even there. But when things got serious, O’Neill got tough, got a handful of a scientist he allegedly hated, I believe he would have shoved Daniel through the gate if he had to. 

And then took him to his house. That should have told me something right there. Daniel admitted the Colonel doesn’t share himself with anyone, yet he took Daniel into his home. Yeah, Sam, you should have bought a clue right about then and filed it all away under ‘so now I know.’

The colonel might have been standing by my side, but most of him was on the other side of the ramp, with Daniel. Daniel, beautiful even in his cold grief. Daniel, whom the colonel couldn’t take his eyes off. And I see now, that’s the way it’s always been. He might not see the rest of us, but the colonel sees Daniel.

It’s always been Daniel.

The colonel comforted me when I needed it but I’m not kidding myself anymore. I went to him, he didn’t come to me. He’s never come to me. If that had been Daniel who came for some sympathy-as if that would happen-the colonel would have done no less for him. And probably more.

He has been worried out of his mind about Daniel. I thought he would blow a gasket when he finally realized Daniel wasn’t coming to the wake. I don’t know why he was surprised, even I knew he wouldn’t come, to share his grief in public. That’s part of the private Daniel that few of us get to know.

The only person who inquired about Daniel, who even asked, was Bregman. Bregman, for God’s sake! A stranger in our midst, who saw Daniel’s pain, his need, clearer and truer than any of us did.

I’ll never forget that voice, raw with emotion, screaming on the radio that Janet was down. Then when I had to tell him the colonel had already gone through the gate, badly injured, I could see how he was struggling just to hold it together. 

He refused to relinquish Janet’s body, carried her through the gate himself, put her on the gurney, lowering her gently, holding her head so tenderly as if he could keep from hurting her. I remember following the medics through the halls, snarling at the camera crew, but I didn’t realize until later that Daniel was missing. 

Then, afterwards, when they officially called it, I found myself back in Janet’s infirmary, desperately seeking some semblance of her. And there he was, pouring his heart out for the colonel, an unconscious witness to his confessions. 

I stood listening, knowing I had no right to intrude on his pain but powerless to walk away from this flood of emotion from a man who keeps himself on such a tight leash. He kept saying over and over how sorry he was, how it was his fault, how he should have been able to save her. When he realized I was there, it was like a mask dropped over his face. 

“Daniel...”

“Where’s Janet?” Quickly, cutting me off from his feelings.

“In the morgue. I’m going...” I pointed behind me vaguely. “General Hammond is sending a team to Cassie.”

“Please tell her how sorry I am.” He walked away before I could stop him.

*

As he does as soon as the service is over. The colonel makes a dive for him, but Daniel is gone, slipping away through the mourners. 

Like Daniel, I choose to be alone. Teal’c offered me company, but I just shook my head. I want to go home, go where I can picture Janet sprawled on my couch giving me hell, perched in my kitchen giving me cooking tips. See her alive again and blank out the picture of her there with a sheet pulled over her face. To cry if I want to, get drunk if I want, work all night long if I want to.

I curl up on the couch, looking at a photo album. If Janet were here, she would snort and tell me to stop thinking everything to death and just get a damn clue already.

Daniel loves the colonel.

I know Daniel loves Teal’c and me, but it’s not the same way he loves the colonel. This is an all-encompassing, full-hearted emotion that doesn’t come easily. Most of us are afraid to love like that and Daniel is no different. Probably worse. Everyone he ever loved is gone from him, scattered throughout the galaxy, buried in soul-less mounds of dirt and sand. Now he has one more grave to grieve over.

He makes a pilgrimage once a year to Abydos, at least he used to, then to New York. To stand beside those graves and probably torture himself with what ifs and why nots.

I don’t do that, won’t do that. I haven’t been to my mother’s grave in years and the colonel avoids all mention of his son so I think he does the same. It’s easier that way, useless to torture yourself like Daniel does. But he does so. How can he? How can he do this to himself over and over then love without fear?

Does Daniel even know what was risked for him? The lies, the cover-ups, the subterfuge that he continually argues against? Colonel O’Neill and Kawalsky perjured themselves for him. Even Ferretti, a Marine, who had nothing to lose and everything to gain by spilling the beans on a lying-lying!-Air Force officer, risked everything for Daniel. The Stargate reactivated for that mission back to Abydos, the main purpose to retrieve one Dr. Jackson. 

My finger hovers over a picture, actually one of my favorites. Cassie or Janet, I can’t remember, took it of us, all of us. I’ve always loved this picture because Daniel is actually smiling in this one, something he rarely does, even with his family. 

I am shaken with shame that none of us, Daniel’s alleged family, went to him when he so obviously needed us. The colonel had the excuse of being injured. But me? No excuse what-so-damn-ever. And Teal’c? Teal’c, who prizes being on Daniel’s good side more that any of us? He didn’t seek Daniel out either. 

There was a time, not so long ago, that we would have fallen over each other to be there when one of us needed a shoulder. And there was a time, a brief honeymoon period, when Daniel would have actually let us in, let us comfort him. Where did that time go? So fleeting, it slipped away without any of us even realizing it.

Whose fault is that? Mostly, it’s mine. I have to own up to that. When the colonel figured out why he always turned to Daniel, he immediately, hatefully, turned him off. And turned to me. I squashed that little voice that told me that I would always be second best to him and allowed him to use me to forget Daniel. It didn’t work, but then, it never does.

Janet, bless her, tried to talk to me, talked to me harder and more honestly than anyone else would have had the nerve to, without stating the obvious about my part in a crazy triangle. But I didn’t listen, wouldn’t listen. I was flattered by the attention, and had a sick satisfaction of knowing I was getting one over on Daniel. 

I never realized until then just how jealous of Daniel I was. But I was. I resented him from day one, when I was at the Pentagon, heard the big news that some geek had waltzed in and gotten the billion dollar drain working, found out he’d gone through the gate on that first mission while I was still pushing paper in DC.

Meeting him in person eased that resentment briefly; I could immediately see that he was no threat. He was the geek I’d heard he was, dressed in native robes with his glasses taped together. Then he proceeded to blow me out of the water again, daring to challenge me in my own field. And had the audacity to be right, to show me up in front of the colonel and all the rest. I caught the smirk of satisfaction on Kawalsky’s face when I realized that Daniel had bested me yet again.

And part of it, I have to admit, is how well I saw him get on with my father. No one else, save the colonel, would have the nerve to call him ‘Danny’ and not get called on it. But Dad does and Daniel gracefully allows it. I saw the look on Dad’s face when Daniel found Seth. 

Yeah, the hide-n-seek Goa’uld that the mighty Tok’ra reluctantly admitted they’d misplaced for a couple of centuries and Daniel found him before the wormhole cooled down. I have fought most of my life for my father’s admiration and to see Daniel granted it so easily really irked me. 

You don’t have to be some kind of a shrink to figure out Daniel was grasping at parental figures anywhere he could find them. My dad, General Hammond, Catherine, and for a while, the colonel.

I’m very afraid that I hated Daniel.

The only thing that saved us, Daniel and I, was that both of us tried. Vowing to get along with him since we were now on the same team, I realized that Daniel didn’t intend to be superior or condescending, it was just that his intellect far outstripped his people skills. 

With everyone except the colonel. He knew exactly how to handle him, had him pegged from day one. No one, no one, would have had the guts to take the colonel on with such impunity. And live to tell it.

Making a sudden decision, I reach for the phone and dial. Finally, he answers. “Daniel? Hi, I was just checking on you, see how you were. And please don’t tell me you’re fine.”

“I’m okay,” comes the soft reply.

“Well, I’m not. Why don’t you come over?” He has trouble saying no if you just ask bluntly. “It’s just, I don’t think any of us should be alone. Not tonight. Why don’t you call the colonel and I’ll call Teal’c? We’ll have something to eat and just be together. Please? We need this, we need each other.”

He folds, just as I knew he would. You have to be sneaky around Daniel, you have to let him think you’re the one who is in need. If he thinks you think he needs you, he’s liable to run a mile. Hence his disappearing act after Janet died.

After we hang up, I tidy up a little and wander into the kitchen to see what might be somewhat edible, open a bottle of wine. He knocks on the back door within minutes. “Come in, Daniel,” I shout.

“Sam, your door was unlocked.” He scolds me and I can’t help myself. I walk over and hug the crap out of him. His arms finally come around me and he hugs me back.

“Hey, what’s this?” The colonel puts on his best affronted ‘I’m hurt’ voice. Daniel tries to draw back, but I won’t let him. Instead I hold him closer, plant a kiss right on his cheek.

“Eat your heart out, sir.” I hold on to Daniel for a few more seconds, reluctantly releasing him, making a fuss as I do so, smoothing his hair, straightening his glasses, wiping the lipstick off his cheek, knowing the colonel is steaming because I have my hands all over his archaeologist. I’m just checking to see if he’s alright, really I am, sir.

He isn’t, but of course, he won’t admit that. None of us are. We’re floundering and not just because we lost Janet. We’ve lost each other in such a way that makes it much worse; we did it to ourselves. 

And it stops here. Here and now. I put one arm around Daniel and one around the colonel, forcing them into a group hug. “Carter?” The colonel is stiffly uncomfortable and I don’t think it’s because of his injury.

“Shh, just shh.” We both feel Daniel shudder, know that he’s struggling for control. I squeeze him tighter, letting him know that it’s okay, he doesn’t have to be strong for us.

Finally, he stammers, his voice breaking. “I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t do anything!”

If I needed any proof, I just get it. The colonel coolly, efficiently eases me out of the circle, so that it is his arms around Daniel, his voice softly crooning reassurances, his shoulder Daniel is finally crying on. I quietly open the back door and let them have their privacy.

Teal’c arrives and I keep him out here with me, just saying Daniel needs some space. If he wonders why that doesn’t apply to the colonel, he doesn’t ask. Just sits beside me, silently, finally placing a large hand over one of mine, offering comfort. “We have lost a true friend, Major Carter.”

I blink suddenly, I’d thought there were no more tears left. “Yes, we have, Teal’c. That’s why we have to hold tight to the ones we have left.” He nods his agreement and we sit quietly until the colonel strolls out, telling us Daniel is freshening up. I snigger, despite the circumstances.

“What?” He’s ‘insulted’ again.

“Freshening up? Sounds like he’s powdering his nose or something.” 

“Do women really do that? Powder their noses?” He perches beside me on the wooden garden bench.

“It’s a euphemism, sir. We don’t want you to know we either have to pee or are trying to figure out if the bathroom window is a viable means of escape.” He automatically looks back at my house with a frown. “I don’t think Daniel’s crawling out the bathroom window. And how is it that we can have the most insane conversations about the most innocuous subjects?”

“I don’t know, why don’t we ask the word expert?”

“Don’t think I won’t.” I extract myself from between them and lead the way back into the house, offering refreshments. The colonel and I take a beer, Teal’c a lemonade, and I pour Daniel a glass of the wine he and I both like. He looks all embarrassed when he comes back in, glasses abandoned, face swollen, eyes red, hair damp where he had splashed water on his face to hide the fact that he’s been crying. I hand him the wine and give his hand a gentle squeeze.

The colonel raises his beer. “Fraiser.” We clink glasses, echoing the sentiment.

*

Two hours later, we’re draped around my kitchen, full of Chinese take-out and stories of Janet, when Daniel, who has been mostly silent, suddenly pipes up. “I think we should do something. In her memory, I mean.”

It’s a good idea and I just wish I’d thought of it. “Like what, Daniel?”

“Maybe a scholarship in her name at her alma mater, maybe at the medical school?”

“I think she’d like that, Daniel.” The colonel nods his approval. “Any idea where she went to school, Carter?”

“Baylor.” We all look at Daniel. “Her certificate was on the wall of her office.” 

“You checked to see if she graduated from medical school?” The colonel teases him gently.

“Didn’t you? If she was gonna be sticking needles in me, I wanted to know she knew where to stick them.”

“The Air Force already did that, you didn’t have to.” He points out with a bit of a smirk.

A smile ghosts Daniel’s face. “Yeah, like I trust the Air Force.”

“You cash their checks.” I get my own dig in.

“Yes, I do, but that doesn’t mean I trust them blindly. I mean, look at what they’ve stuck us with through the years. Maybourne, who tried to have me shot in the gate room. Makepeace, who wanted to shoot me himself. Simmons, Samuels, Kennedy, Kinsey. Need I go on?”

The colonel groans loudly. “God, please don’t.” Then his mind backtracks, zeros in on something Daniel said. “Makepeace wanted to shoot you? Why am I just hearing this now?” The colonel looks at Daniel, who suddenly finds his wineglass much more interesting to peruse. “Carter? Teal’c? What exactly went on with Makepeace and Daniel?”

I bite my lip. Daniel wasn’t far off when he said Makepeace wanted to shoot him. He never ‘got’ Daniel, but then not a lot of people do. “Makepeace was unhappy with Daniel’s adherence to military command.” That almost sounded palatable.

“Carter? Cut the bullshit. What did Makepeace do to Daniel?”

”He didn’t do anything to Daniel. He just wanted to teach him to stay in line.”

“Colonel Makepeace believed Daniel Jackson lacked the proper respect for his command.”

”Did you, Daniel?”

“Oh, hell, yeah. I mean, I’d spent all that time training you to my exacting standards and they wanted me to start all over again? I don’t think so.”

The colonel chokes on his beer and even Teal’c has a slight smile for Daniel. “So you think you’ve got me trained, do you?”

Anyone else would have run a mile from that ‘I’m a mean son of a bitch’ expression. Anyone, that is, except Daniel, who meets his glare head on. “Don’t I?”

The colonel sighs hugely and gets up to fetch another beer, unthinkingly bringing the wine back, pouring Daniel another glass. Daniel doesn’t say a word, just smiles his thanks. With a frown, the colonel swears softly, realizing what he just did. “Shit!”

“Exactly.” Teal’c bows his head toward Daniel, acknowledging his victory.


End file.
